Because pregnancy hormones squash my ability to think, I may be taking a risk writing at this time.
I have become, once again, a woman of vastly opposing emotions. I often feel that those who love me the most actually hate my guts. I tell myself that it's not true, and I know it isn't, but in my mind and heart I feel that there is not one thing they like about me. I feel like all of my friends think I'm ugly and annoying. I question my abilities as a mother. My heartaches cause more trouble than my heartburn.
The good thing is that I also experience periods of great joy and excitement. I truly feel that I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. This baby, baby number four, seems too good to be true. Every time I feel the sweet little thing swimming inside, my breath catches and I rejoice at the miracle of this perfect tiny human who will one day call me "mommy."
The other good thing is that I know the terrible feelings of darkness and loneliness will pass when the baby comes. It took me three pregnancies to figure out that it was me who changes during pregnancy, not everyone around me. This time I can just cry it out and ride it out with my eye on that light at the end of the tunnel.
And I can pretend that chocolate makes me feel better.
