To The Contributor

 I have not known what to call you until a few days ago. "Biological father" hasn't ever worked for me, mostly because I have already used that title for the man who raised me, and I have no reason to take it from him. I keep telling myself not to take it personally that you were willing to pay to have me killed. I understand that not all see abortion that way, and I have tried to be compassionate about why that seemed like a good option for you. But my compassion wasn't enough to bring the peace I have been wishing for. I ended up referring to you as the sperm donor, or by just using your name. 

By the way, I did a DNA test to confirm what we all guessed was true. My dad wondered about it when he noticed I looked more like you than I do him. It seems my mom always thought she knew. And from something my dad said you once remarked to him, maybe you believed it also: you are the contributor; the one who gave half of the DNA needed to create a human child who turned out to be me.

Since I learned about you more than twenty years ago, I think I have known (without admitting it until recently) that I need to forgive you. For my own sake, not for yours, because I'm guessing your life went on just as it would have if I had been killed or never existed in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if I need to forgive you for the things about me that I don't understand, or for the things that are wrong with me. Yet I believe self-awareness and responsibility are stronger than DNA, so is that really necessary?

When I get in dark places I wonder if it was inevitable that I find myself there, for I think you have often been in dark places. As far as I know, you only fathered one other child, a son who died a year or two ago by suicide. I was hoping to meet him someday, to see if we had anything in common, and I have often wondered if he could use a big sister like me; it's something I am good at. I don't know anything about the impact his death had on you. I just know it has brought a strange sadness to me that is hard to describe. I don't know how to grieve for someone I know nothing about. 

It's time for me to forgive you, for so many reasons. I need to forgive you because how could you have known that that time would make a baby? And how could you have known that offering to pay for an abortion would offend me? I have a father, one I would not trade for anyone, so your choice should not bother me. And just as I did not choose my DNA, you did not choose yours. You did not choose to be the child of an alcoholic father any more than I did. There is no good in dwelling on things I cannot control. 

The most important reason I need to forgive you is because of the love of our Savior. Jesus Christ made an offering for both of us, to heal us from all hurt if we are willing to let Him do it. I trust Him, His care, His perspective, and His power. I no longer want to let my heart live like His offering was not enough for me. It is enough for the entire human race, why did I think my part was bigger than that? 

I do forgive you. I am sorry that I held unkind feelings about you for so long. And I am sorry for lacking the faith it took to trust my Heavenly Parents for all the things that really matter. I am comforted in knowing that They are quick to forgive, because Their love for Their children is infinite, yet complete.

 I do wish good things for you. I hope you find that same peace I have been searching for.

Love Always, 

A Daughter