If Only There Was a Delete Button for My Mouth

I have always wished to be more prudent with my words, mostly because I am not very smart and often what I say completely gives that away.

Once in awhile, I wish I had kept my mouth shut because I realize my words were hurtful to someone.  I regret those times most of all.

I like to think that I am a thoughtful and caring person, but if I was, why would I say this to my grandfather with terminal cancer:  "Wow, it's so hot in here.  Aren't you dying?"  He just looked at me.  Then, not knowing what I could say to fix my mistake, I chuckled nervously and left the room.

Can you believe that?  I chuckled.  Why do I do that?  I called Dr. Laura once and she didn't even want to listen to me because my nervous laugh kept punctuating my words.  I must have sounded so stupid on the radio!

Oh well.  At least I wasn't on TV.

One time I talked to a neighbor on the phone.  This is how the conversation went:

Me:  "Hello.  I'm sorry I didn't come visiting teaching last month.  I stopped by with some cookies but you weren't home so I put them in your garage.  If you didn't find them, they must be stale by now so you'll have to give them to your dogs."

Her:  "We don't have any dogs."

Me:  "You don't?"  (Thinking to myself, "I was sure they had dogs...")

Her:  "Actually, we ate them."

Me:  "You ate your DOGS?!?!!

There was a moment of silence while it came to me: she meant they ate the cookies, not the dogs.  Then I started to laugh uncontrollably while she sat quietly on the other end.  She didn't find it funny at all.

Just this weekend as we finished our meal at a restaurant with some visiting family the waitress started talking to me.  I assumed she was going to ask me if the meal ticket was together or separate, so I answered her before I realized what she actually did ask.  So this was how it sounded:

Waitress:  "I need the ages of your children for the check."

Me:  "You'll have to ask him about that (indicating my husband)."

You know, because I'm the kind of mom who has no idea how old her children are.

My baby is good at putting his foot in his mouth too, but it's so much cuter when he does it.